I don’t want to live
I don’t want to live.
That’s how I felt, every day, for most of my life. I would write and fill notebooks with pleas to the Heavens to take me out of this world. I longed for the day I’d get to go “home”. I had no desire to stay here and live. I would wake up every day wanting for it to be my last. I didn’t understand how and why people wanted to live. I would have done anything to escape the pain I felt while I was awake. In my darkest years I was the most reckless and heavily tested the limits on what my body could take. I didn’t think about it, I didn’t care, I just consumed my substance of choice until I’d black out and see if I woke up. I was so far from living, I was barely surviving.
The shift in this energy and consciousness was slow and subtle.
And now I look back at that tortured, fragile, lost girl and I love her. Even in all the pain, darkness and state of mind she was in, she loved. She loved so hard and so deep it perpetuated everything she felt because she didn’t love herself first, she didn’t know or understand she needed to love herself first, let alone how to do that. And so the void grew bigger as the pain compacted on top of more pain and heartbreak.
I have such compassion for that girl as I envision who I am today reach out to hug and hold her. To rock her gently and lovingly in my arms and whisper in her ear through tears,
“It’s all going to be okay, it’s going to get better. It may seem to get bad again, but you’ll make it through that too, you are here on purpose and you have important work to do. The further on you go, the more things will start to make sense. You are safe, protected and loved. There’s nothing wrong with you. Just keep going, just keep moving forward, don’t stop. One inhale and exhale at a time, you keep going.”
Why am I sharing this with you?
Oh sweet Soul, because I used to crinkle my nose, roll my eyes, or shake my head when I’d hear people say, “Life is a gift” or "Today’s a gift, that’s why it’s called the present.” I mean it would literally make me scoff or gag. Aaaand now I am one of those people who says Life is a gift! Each breath, every single inhale and exhale is a gift because it means we are alive. And this Human experience we are having is temporary. That means our feelings and experiences are temporary too.
So what shifted and changed from not wanting to be alive to being fully grateful for every moment that I get to be alive….a LOT of healing and awakening. Understanding that we are not guaranteed our next breath. Understanding that we are immortal Spiritual beings have a temporary Human experience.
We are not our feelings, we are experiencing them. We are not the things that have happened to us, we just got to experience them. We are not the things we’ve done, we got to experience them. It doesn’t make it any less real, it’s just that what we experience as the true Divine Essence we are, our Soul, is feeling and experiencing these things as a part of inhabiting this body and having a Human experience.
Being lost in our body (or detached/disconnected from our body), unaware of our true essence can make us feel trapped, lost, and lose focus of the bigger picture. You may have even asked the questions, “Why am I here?” “What’s the point of all this?” “What is my purpose?”
Your purpose is to choose to be here every single day.
To not forget there’s a bigger picture you just can’t see quite yet. You’re here on planet Earth in this lifetime and your existence is so important.
Human-ing isn’t always easy, life doesn’t always go as planned, but there is always a plan and everything is being worked out for your highest good and for the highest good of all (even when we can’t see or understand how.)
2016 was one of the hardest and most painful years of my life, but it ended by becoming the beginning of what would lead into the greatest, most amazing and transformative year of my life. It became the year I started and wanted to live for the very first time and I couldn’t believe I had lived my entire life any other way.
I live in a state of awareness of how fast this Human experience goes, and I don’t know what day and moment will be my last. And that makes me live in deep gratitude for every breath I take and for every Being in my life.
May you slow down and not move so fast through life that you become disconnected from the wonder and awe of your own existence. You are here on purpose, for a purpose, trust the process.
If you know nothing else of your purpose yet, may you not only choose to be here every day, but may you Love. Make Love your purpose and start by loving yourself, your true self. The essence at the core, deep underneath all the layers, conditioning and limiting beliefs life has blanketed you with.
May you create space for your Soul to emerge and may everyone you encounter and this entire planet never be the same again because you chose to be here, because you chose Love.
One of my Spiritual teachers shared this beautiful transmission I will leave you with.
I love you sweet Soul. xo, Kristin
“The more we want to be here the better things feel. Sometimes we have this preoccupation with imagining life purpose to be a career choice, or I’m not a Lightworker until I’m earning a living as a healer, or I’m not going to live my purpose until I’m doing this thing that makes me my own boss.
First of all, for some of us on a Soul level, having a 9 to 5 job is exactly the structure you need to actually ground your Light into the body. Some of us if we were our own bosses would just not get anything done.
So why all of us are where we are at, why all of us have the specific arrangement, why some of us are self employed, why some of us are employed by a company, especially if you’re a Lightworker who needs to carry your vibration into a company that the employees of that company need the Light that you shine, you’re going to be cloaked as an employee while doing your Light work.
So rather than think of life purpose as a career choice, or a Spiritual career choice, real life purpose, your life purpose is to choose to be here every single day. And the more often you choose to be here, the better things will feel, the better things feel the more you are being confirmed with the Universe that you are embodying the Light of your potential and you are then going to walk around this planet, transmitting that vibration with every step, radiating it to every person you pass by and literally uplifting their field and making their circumstances a little bit brighter and better, just by passing through your field as you pass through theirs.
And we are literally uplifting the planet just by being ourselves and being the Us that says, “I choose to live”, “I choose to be here”, “I will not wait for the afterlife to start living, I will start living right now and my purpose is to choose life.”
And even if the way your life looks is not matching the pictures on your vision board and even if it feels like the way you wanted your life to be is the opposite to the way things played out, and whether you have regrets, or you are playing out memories of ridicule, or you are living in the cellular memories of past life persecutions and you have something to share in this world, and something is holding you back, we will melt all of those barriers right now by simply saying, “I choose to be here.”
"And if I choose to be here, from this moment forward may nothing stand in my way. Because the more I choose to be here the better things feel, and the better things feel the more the Light I came to share and shine for the benefit of all awakens within me, radiates through out all corners of my energy field and literally gets passed along to others.
And as I transmit this energy consciously I will start to notice from the inside out, my circumstances, the temperament of my mind, the state of my emotions, my responsiveness versus reactiveness, will start to purify into a level of perfection because I’m choosing to be here no matter what.”