I was, but now I AM
Updated: Jan 21
I was the girl whose parents parted ways when she was two. Who never felt safe and who was always scared. Whose innocence was taken by a trusted member of the family before she was old enough to realize it was wrong.
Who had zero self-worth and only felt pain. Who longed for love, safety and acceptance, but only felt fear and rejection. Who could no longer take her pain and for a few years turned to anything and everything to numb it all away. Who didn’t care if she woke up the next day and several times was surprised she did.
Who looked for love in all the wrong places, who kept making all the wrong choices, who kept the cycle of pain going because she didn’t know how to stop it. Who then would convince herself it wasn’t rape, because it was a friend. The girl who later realized and accepted what had been done to her only to blame herself and carry around even more guilt and shame.
I was the girl who thought she found peace and her way out of the chaos to normalcy, but married the wrong one way too soon, way too young, and it was another disaster decision made in the dark.
I was the girl who kept on trying and kept on loving after every devastation, after every heartbreak and trauma…still lost, still broken, determined to pick up the pieces of her messy life. Who thought she found her prince after all, who lost her family because she chose him over them, but who thought maybe the second time would be different…and peace, stability, freedom, and the beginning of healing seemed to be hers…and she was able to catch her breath for a moment.
She did learn, and she did grow, and she did start to heal, shed her shame, and forgive herself and others for her past, but, she was also trapped in a whole new world of hell. And soon what seemed to once give her new life, slowly started taking it from her, and it was a slow, excruciating death of the girl and the life she worked so hard to build. The loyalty, love, and devotion she put into what she thought was her forever came crumbling down almost a decade later. And she didn’t know how she’d recover.
...oh, but did she ever…
I am the girl who was sent an angel to stand by and support her, because we’re not meant to do life alone. I am the girl who picked up the pieces one more time and moved across the country to become who she was always meant to be. Who faced so many fears, did things she never thought she could do and met the most incredible, amazing human angels along the way.
I am the girl who found her purpose in all that pain and knows nothing we go through in life is wasted. Who went on a journey to discover, transform, and awaken into a woman who fell in love with herself for the first time and finally felt whole. Who realized her worth, and how incredibly invaluable she was. I was actually never broken, I just needed to wake up and remember I was beautifully, uniquely, perfectly Divinely designed to be exactly who I AM, to live out my purpose and to help others do the same.
I am the girl who knows I am not the things I’ve done, or the things that have been done to me. And who knows every single step, every experience, led me to where I am today, and who I am today, to lovingly guide my soul to its highest evolution in this lifetime for the well-being of all…and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.