No Mud, No Lotus
Updated: Jan 21
For most of my life I lived out a narrative that I didn’t know I had the power to change because I believed I was powerless, worthless, useless.
Until one day I intimately met all the layers and versions of ‘me’ and I had some vital words with each one. I held, comforted and cried with the little girl whose innocence was taken over and over again by someone she trusted. I told her it wasn’t her fault and that she was now safe and protected.
I sat in silence, holding space for the reckless teenager who searched for love in all the wrong places and turned to every substance and opportunity to harm herself just to numb her pain and ease the rejection. I told her that just because she put herself in a vulnerable situation it didn’t give him the right to take advantage of her body against her will. I took her guilt and shame and wrapped it up in a new understanding of Love.
After her world went from bad to worse when trying to escape again by marrying a young man she barely knew, I saw her with new eyes and picked her up off the floor. I told her there was purpose in all of her pain and I pulled her closer and I held her tighter in this new Love.
I saw her sitting, finally able to catch her breath, tasting peace and stability for the first time and second as Mrs. But this union came at a very high cost, eventually everything. The more I forgave her the more she could forgive every single cause of her past pain and betrayal. I forgave her for betraying and amputating pieces of herself in exchange for breathing in fresh air.
Forgave her for being so trusting and giving away every piece of herself even her identity and purpose in hopeless devotion. I forgave her for being naive and weak, for eventually becoming more lost, broken and shattered than ever before, meeting a daily slow death. I forgave her for giving up, for suffocating, no longer able to breathe on her own and succumbing to life support.
“We will all be betrayed in our lives and we will all do a great betrayal to rejoin who we are.” - Carolyn Mason
At the end of everything I looked her in the eyes as I held her puffy tear stained face in the palm of my hands and I leaned in close and whispered in her ear, I forgive you.
And infinite grace flooded in and completely filled up this brand new space far away from where she had been. And she had finally awakened.
“We will all betray someone at some point in our lives in order to come home to ourselves.” - Mark Groves
We are not the things that have happened to us, we are not the things we’ve done. We are the Divine essence of pure Light.
What layer or version of yourself do you need to meet? And what do you need to say?
If you’re struggling for a place to start I’d first look to the Openness in your Chart.